Is the Supergirl Movie Feminist?

The mathematical proof!

Supergirl (1984) isn't anybody's favorite superhero movie, but that's not important. The real question is: is it feminist? Our team of crack scientists and advanced mathematicians have been analyzing the film for decades, and now, we finally have an indisputable system of evaluation. Rather than worry you with pesky questions — “What kind of feminism are we talking about here?” — we boiled it down to cold, hard numbers. And it's not like we have to explain anything to you, okay, but just to be extra nice, we'll even explain how we drew our conclusions. Just this once.

Unfortunately, we can't say that every scene is entirely pro-woman. We'll admit that Supergirl doesn't get off to a promising start. She is bad at math. Clearly, this movie isn’t even going to follow the Feminist Heroine’s Journey, which wasn’t a formula in 1984 but that is no excuse!
Any Girl Being Bad at Anything: -100 feminist points

However, she womanspreads, and in a dress, too.
Womanspreading: +100 FP

Supergirl takes it upon herself to rescue the last of the Kryptonians, who have lost their power supply.
Female Rescuer: +100 FP

But her foolishness is the reason they lost the power supply!
Any Girl Making Any Mistake: -100 FP

Astoundingly, the power supply falls directly into the hands of an evil witch who wants to rule the world. She immediately, inexplicably knows the power supply can be utilized for this purpose. While we support women in power, we reject the notion that any powerful woman has ever been corrupt, or at least more corrupt than a man in power. Bad writing isn't feminist, either.
Powerful woman: +100 FP
Evil powerful woman: -100 FP
Bad writing: -100 FP

The first people Supergirl meets on Earth are, of course, a pair of rapists who see our heroine in Kryptonian attire and immediately go into Rape Mode. This viscerally realistic scene is a sizzling commentary on the rape culture which permeates our society and influences the vast majority of men to brutalize every woman you know. The odds of this happening were pretty good. If the movie had ended here — nay, had this been the only scene in the entire film — we could have been assured that this is a feminist masterpiece. We could award one million feminist points and be finished, but there are so many more pro-woman moments ahead, so we'll use (gag) conservative numbers.
Exposing rape culture: +100 FP

Supergirl is stronger than her would-be attackers.
Powerful woman: +100 FP

Meanwhile, two women have a conversation about something other than a man, allowing us to fantasize that they may be lesbians. It’s not misogyny when we do it.
Passes Bechdel Test: +100 FP

The evil witch jealously attempts to kill someone flirting with her ex-boyfriend, who she dumped. We are scientifically and mathematically appalled. Even among supervillains, women must stand together! Kids are watching this!
Women not Supporting Women: -100 FP

Supergirl disguises herself as a human and enrolls in an all-girls school for no reason while her family slowly dies in space. We would deduct another 100 points for bad writing, but in reality, the studio knows it has no right to withhold an education from any female, even if she is fictional and in a bit of a rush. This is hella feminist.
Educating Girls: +100 FP

Supergirl and her new roommate immediately hit it off. The headmaster is baffled. This comedic scene is incredibly unfunny because, as we all know, genuinely funny comedy is not feminist.
Women Supporting Women: +100 FP
Bad Comedy: +100 FP

Supergirl has an opportunity to find and retrieve the power source. Unfortunately, the patriarchal school system shames her into waiting for a dismissal even after the school bell has rung. She then forgets to pursue the power source. Because of the patriarchy. Also she feels like playing cricket.
Exposing the Patriarchy: +100 FP

Supergirl shields her roommate from being killed by a cricket ball and prevents herself and her classmates from being scalded by hot water. Unfortunately, these threats come not from a man, but from fellow women. It is unclear whether they have internalized misogyny, even though there is absolutely no other reason for them not to get along.
Women not Supporting Women: -100 FP

Supergirl's roommate convinces her to go on a double date rather than study (or save her family dying in space).
Bros before Heroes: -100 FP

The witch attempts to perform a love spell on an unsuspecting landscaper who, due to a mistake, falls for Supergirl instead. The spell appears to work exactly like a date rape drug. While we appreciate the message that consent is everything and women can do whatever men can do, we simply cannot sanction the ludicrous notion that women can rape — oh hey, witchcraft is feminist!
Witchcraft: +100 FP
CONSENT IS EVERYTHING! +100 FP
“whaaa men get raped, too”: shut up no they don’t also nobody cares -100 FP

A male practitioner mansplains to the villain that she is misusing the power source. She curses him with ugliness.
Men Punished for Explaining Their Views: +100 FP

Supergirl rescues the landscaper who is madly in love with her. That this is caused by magic he did not consent to would be extremely problematic were their genders reversed, but to cast doubt on a female in power while painting a man as a victim would be reprehensible, and we have the moral high ground here. The important thing is that Supergirl loves him, too. Aww.
Woman Rescuing Man: +100 FP
CONSENT IS EVERYTHING! +100 FP

The witch sends a monster after Supergirl. Appalling. We understand this is a superhero story, but if they wanted an antagonist to attack the protagonist, they should have made the villain male or at the very least a TERF.
Women Not Supporting Women: -100 FP

Supergirl makes out with her reflection. Misogynistic viewers may confuse this as a distracted girl pining after a landscaper, but in reality, she's turned on by herself and not ashamed of her kinks.
It’s Definitely not Just Narcissism: +100 FP

Still in the throes of ecstasy after looking at herself, Supergirl defeats the monster sent by the witch. So-called "fans" have spent the last few decades spreading the ridiculous rumor that this monster was invisible due to budget constraints. The truth is much more impressive, and frankly astounding. The studio made the monster invisible because it represents the ultrasound, a beast so horrifying that women should not be permitted to see it.
Uninformed Consent is Also Everything: +100 FP

Supergirl refuses to marry the landscaper because she kind of remembers she has to save her family, who are still dying in space. Character growth is not necessary to making your protagonist feminist, and in fact we would oppose it in most situations, but it’s different when she’s learning to reject patriarchal systems of monogamy.
Ethical Non-monogamy: +100 FP

The witch finally gains the heart of the landscaper. Supergirl is distraught, even though the witch clearly saw the landscaper first.
A woman in control of her relationships: +100 FP
A woman who can't just be happy for her: -100 FP

We are, to say the least, disappointed that this movie still can't quit pitting women against each other. But because Supergirl is so unwilling to celebrate another woman's success, she is banished to the Phantom Zone with David Bowie.
That’s Peter O’Toole You Idiot: +100 FP

The witch has now successfully taken control of the world, or at least the Metropolis area. Real talk, it's probably the most peaceful and prosperous time humanity has ever seen (not pictured). Superman makes absolutely no attempt to stop her or even show up because he's a feminist ally who knows women ought to control the world; they would immediately cease all wars except for the ones men kept forcing them to have.
Women in Power: +100 FP

The witch summons the ultrasound monster again, this time making it (kinda) physically manifest for Supergirl. This is an appalling violation of Supergirl's rights, and she bravely resists looking at it, for to look at an ultrasound is to be immediately overcome with weak womanish emotions instead of killing those awful parasitic non-human babies so they won’t suffer, that’s a good girl. The witch, now revealed as an anti-abortion extremist, must look at the ultrasound herself. She is destroyed.
Making someone look at an ultrasound: -100 FP
Refusing to look at an ultrasound: +100 FP
Destroying a pro-lifer with SCIENCE: +100 FP

Supergirl returns the power source to her people (not pictured), who we assume didn't asphyxiate while she was busy kissing boys eh it’s probably fine.

+53 points for not completely chudding it

FINAL SCORE: 1,453 Feminist Points!!!

Does this mean Supergirl: The Movie is a feminist film? Unfortunately, while there are many reasons to laud the forward-thinking direction of something produced in 1984 — when it was not even legal for a woman to run a false charitable foundation that traded monetary donations for political favors — we must condemn the film overall. The thought of any little girl growing up with the notion that she might ever mistreat a man by doing whatever she wants is truly sickening. It stirs our righteous anger in defense of a budding young woman's empowerment and sexuality in a patriarchal world.

We must urge viewers to boycott this 35-year-old film, which means buy as many copies as you can find and burn them. Numbers do lie. Narrative is everything. Never forget that, sisters.