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My husband’s camera is a lot nicer than mine, so I make him take a nice picture of the sketch and e-mail it to me. I then try to arrange the sketch somewhat pleasingly in a .psd file so that it has good balance and fills the space properly.

After making the pencil layer more transparent, I draw inks on another layer over it. Here’s a great example of me ignoring line weight because I’m an untrained ignoramus!

With the ink layer finished…

We can delete the pencil layer.

once remarked on how few layers I use. I’m coloring on the background here, under the inks, which are the only layer. Too many more would cause clutter and stress me out. But don’t be like me.

Sky and floor were rendered with the dull conte tool. The stars were made with the sprinkle airbrush.

Without a fill tool, I continue coloring underneath the ink layer. The fill tool just never has clean edges when I do it.

Another layer! Black at 50 percent opacity.

I erase the shadows’ edges to clean them up a bit.

I’ve found it’s best to color eyes and teeth last, after flattening the shadows, pure white so that they pop.

And there you have it. Subscribe for a cuss ton of free entertainment! If you’re like me and you prefer reading something you can hold in your hands, support me here.

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I drew this cartoon in a free animation software with a screenless, twenty-dollar tablet (learning as I went) and my family, as well as several amazing Substackers, provided the voice work and sound effects! Please check out each of them listed at the bottom of this page, and let me know if you’d enjoy being a part of the show!

This is just the first third of the pilot episode. I’ve decided to release progress little by little.

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The Talent!

Merlin / Narrator — (Subscribe!)

Redcross Knight and additional sound effects — of ZeroGrav (Subscribe!)

Princess Una / False Una — of Agent of C.A.R.D.S. (Subscribe!)

Queen Gloriana — me (female voice actors needed!)

Sir Guyon — of Comics Odyssey (Subscribe!)

Error — Squid Williams, age 8

Error’s Babies — Newt Williams, age 5

Animation, Editing, etc — also me

Foley Artist — Newt Williams, still 5

Additional sound effects: Freesound

Music: Scott Buckley

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For those interested in helping me out with some likes and shares, The Faerie Queene animations will also be posted on my YouTube, Odysee, and Rumble accounts.

During our last X-Men marathon, the husbeast decided he wanted a smaller-budget comedy about them just going to the beach. The trailer would still be extremely serious, full of dramatic music as if it were an action-packed blockbuster. I’m possessed by this idea. A few of you had some fun contributions, also, which I’ve attempted to organize here. Enjoy!

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Super serious Marvel Studios intro.

SMASH CUT to:

An absolutely demolished Times Square. The X-Men stagger through the smoke, coughing, and gaze on the devastation. Exhausted Scott “Cyclops” Summers plops down on the ground. Smudged and disheveled, with her sunglasses askew, Jubilation “Jubilee” Lee speaks without looking at him.

JUBILEE: We need a vacation.

SMASH CUT to:

Opening titles.

Soundtrack: “Fun Fun Fun” — The Beach Boys

A parody of the superhero “suiting up” montage, only this time it’s luggage being packed and seatbelts buckling.

Exterior country highway, day. A convoy of personal vehicles (and one motorcycle) cruises down the road. Inside one of the cars, we see Scott “Cyclops” Summers driving. Hank “Beast” McCoy is in the passenger seat, trying to read Critique of Pure Reason and blinking hard because the road is too bumpy. Jubilation “Jubilee” Lee leans forward from the back seat to chat. Dialogue reveals that the X-Men need some time to unwind, so they have rented a beach house.

JUBILATION: Everyone is kind of on-edge after last week. We need to keep the powder keg damp, y’know?

SCOTT: That sounds like a job for Jubilation Lee. For this entire weekend, I’m off-duty.

JUBILATION: Oh, really.

SCOTT: Really. I’m not “Cyclops, leader of the X-Men,” I’m just Scott.

HANK: I just want to read my book. ()

SCOTT: Hank just wants to read his book.

JUBILATION: Good luck.

The convoy arrives at its destination. The first people to step out of their vehicles are Scott, Jubilation, Logan (Wolverine), Marie (Rogue), and Ororo (Storm), all dressed in civilian clothes.

We see this from the perspective of the landlord (preferably played by Steve Martin), who is standing by the front door of the beach house and greets Scott with a friendly wave. As he hands over the keys and discusses checkout time at noon on Sunday, his smile fades. Over Scott’s shoulder, he's noticed Piotr carrying all the groceries at once in full “Colossus” mode, Hank settling into a chair to read and Kurt bamf-ing luggage from the car trunks to the front step. Ororo shields her eyes from the bright sun before creating a small cloud to shade herself.

LANDLORD: Oh. You’re mutants.

SCOTT: [bristling slightly] Is that a problem?

LANDLORD: No, no, uh… I just remembered, though… the deposit has gone up. Haven’t updated the Web site yet. But I still need to pay this place off, you understand.

SCOTT: Uh-huh. How much?

LANDLORD: Thousand, uh, two thousand dollars.

Scott grumpily writes a check.

SCOTT: It’s refundable, right?

LANDLORD: Yeah, of course! [hastily leaving with the check] I’m sure I’ll get the house back just the way I left it!

Scott watches him leave, just as he watches his friends cross paths with him: Logan, wheeling an impossible amount of liquor on a dolly; Marie, remarking how hot it is as she removes some clothing and nearly bumps into Scott, who has a mini-heart attack; and Ororo, shading herself with mini thunderheads that already crackle with lightning. Kurt bamfs to the coast, then back to the house, bringing a splash of sea water and wet sand with him (). Colossus walks through the low front door and almost forgets to duck in time.

SCOTT: That's it, team meeting! Everyone assemble in the living area!

The group groans and some roll their eyes at this typical Scott behavior. Beast doesn’t complain but claps his book shut with veiled disappointment.

In the living area, Scott lays down ground rules. Logan is technically present but focused on chugging beer cans at an astounding rate. This is ongoing throughout the scene.

SCOTT: We are representing mutantkind at this beach. Therefore, when we leave, we leave the place in absolutely pristine condition. No feet on the coffee table. No tracking in sand. Nobody will be doubling up in the bedrooms because no drama. No powers in the house. No international incidents. No fighting of any kind.

JUBILATION: No problem! Right, Logan?

LOGAN: [absent-minded grunt]

Fade in: “Laugh about It” — Paper Route

A stray lightning bolt from Storm’s little cloud takes out a lamp. Scott sighs.

Smash cut to the exterior beach house, dawn (music continues). A new day begins. Inside, each mutant wakes separately: Ororo. Kurt. Piotr. Jubilation, clearly a morning person. Hank, rubbing his eyes sleepily before resuming the book that was propped open on his chest (Being and Time). Scott, whose eyes we just have to assume are opening because he never takes off his visor. Logan, immediately lighting the cigar that was already in his mouth.

Everyone does their best to have a normal day at the beach: Scott replaces the broken lamp (as Logan binge drinks in the background). Storm and Kurt build a sand castle (as Logan binge drinks in the background). Piotr grills burgers and hot dogs (as Logan binge drinks in the background). Scott examines a scuff mark on the wall inside (as Logan binge drinks in the background). Hank reads Stranger in a Strange Land in a lawn chair next to Marie, who is sunning herself on a towel (as Logan binge drinks in the background). Scott finds a can of paint in the basement (as Logan binge drinks in the background). Ororo goes swimming (as Logan binge drinks in the background). Scott carefully paints over the scuff mark on the wall (as Logan binge drinks in the background). Kurt goes for a walk and waves at some children, who just gape at him (as Logan binge drinks in the background). Music fades out.

Insert some sketches here to pad out the movie.

Scott, Marie, and Storm skip stones along the coast. For the normie audience members, characters should have a conversation explaining the X-Men universe a little.

SCOTT: Oh, I’m sorry, did you have a cruddy life? You only remind us every single time we see you. By all means, then, wipe out the human race.

STORM: You cannot blame him for hating humans.

SCOTT: I can when it makes him mass-murder.

ROGUE: Sorry, Scott, I zone out when you start your lil’ tantrums. Who we talkin’ about?

As they speak, Logan — who has been binge drinking in the distant background — begins punching himself in the face. Incessantly. This continues for some time until he is rag-dolling through the air, up, down, and all around. He crashes into the foreground.

LOGAN: Magneto!

Soundtrack: “I Believe” — KB

Smash cut to Erik (Magneto) walking toward the camera in slow motion (). Wearing swim trunks, he is accompanied by his adult children, Pietro (Quicksilver), Wanda (Scarlet Witch), and Lorna (Polaris), also in swimwear. Lorna is alternatively manic or depressed each time the camera cuts to her.

Steeling himself, Scott closes the gap between them. He and Erik face off.

SCOTT: Lehnsherr.

ERIK: Summers.

SCOTT: What brings you to the beach?

ERIK: Family fun time.

LORNA: [to Erik, sullen] Family fun sucks.

ERIK: [to Lorna] It was your idea I already rented the beach house we are having family fun!

SCOTT: Does the family fun have to include Logan?

LORNA: [cheerfully] He’s right! It’s too easy!

PEITRO: True.

LORNA: We should humiliate all the X-Men!

ERIK: Agreed.

LORNA: In a game of volleyball!

There is a pause.

WANDA: I guess?

ERIK: [sighing, speaking grudgingly] Summers, would your team… care to join us… for a game of volleyball.

SCOTT: You’re on. But on an equal playing field. No powers.

PIETRO: Aw, man.

JUBILATION: Okay. This’ll be good for us! A real opportunity to build bridges!

ERIK: We’re going to absolutely crush you.

SCOTT: We’re going to absolutely crush you… worse.

JUBILATION: [a little ashamed but still forcing a smile] Great comeback, Scott.

Lorna is already over her idea.

Music still playing over, they play a game of volleyball (CocktailAlchemy). As it progresses, more and more X-Men characters temporarily appear in the background of each team without introduction or explanation (Mortimer “Toad” Toynbee, Fred “Blob” Dukes, and Remy “Gambit” LeBeau on one side; on the other side, Warren “Angel” Worthington, Bobby “Iceman” Drake, and Charles Xavier in his wheelchair on the sand; Xavier is only in one shot). Toad is immediately sent away for using his powers (his tongue). The Brotherhood loses the game because Remy is distracted by Marie’s bikini.

Slow motion shot of Scott, Marie, Storm, and Jubilee celebrating their victory and rubbing it in the deadpan Brotherhood’s face.

Soundtrack: “Love Everybody” — PEABOD

Exterior shot as the sun sets.

After the volleyball game, both sides congregate around the grill and stereo. Insert more sketches here to pad the movie out. The music rapidly fades out as characters speak; conversation establishes more world building for the normies in the audience. This is a sober scene, hinting that the story takes place in a much more serious universe.

SCOTT: All I’m saying is, if we were actually two separate species, we wouldn’t be able to reproduce together so easily. If you really want mutants to inherit the Earth, you shouldn’t be trying to kill humans. You should just encourage mutants to have kids with them. [cynically] Then we could all get back to in-fighting.

ERIK: You don’t think mutants can live in peace?

SCOTT: I don’t think anyone in the history of the universe has lived in peace.

ERIK: Then you understand why mutants have to take necessary measures!

SCOTT: Come on! That doesn’t mean killing is good!

ERIK: Do you want to be good or alive?

Every time Scott tries to take a bite of his hotdog, Pietro makes it disappear from his hand. Frustrated, Scott touches his sunglasses, tempted to use his powers (), but he resists.

ERIK: By the way, Summers… I’m sorry for your loss. Truly.

SCOTT: [surprised] Well… thank you…

There is a long pause as they regard each other.

SCOTT: Thank you.

Erik nods. Silently, he raises his solo cup. Scott toasts with his own, but before he can drink, Pietro snatches the cup from his hand with super speed. Erik pretends not to be amused.

At the other end of the yard, Jubilee sets off fireworks into the darkening sky, controlling them in such a way that it’s quite a show. For now, the X-Men and the Brotherhood seem to be mostly enjoying each other’s company. Kurt, noticing that their noise mildly annoys the middle-aged humans in the neighboring yard, bamfs over. From their expressions, it’s clear they are much more disturbed by Nightcrawler than anything else that’s happening on the beach, but they remain calm, and are clearly smug about how good they are at remaining calm.

NIGHTCRAWLER: I apologize for the noise. My friends can get carried away.

NEIGHBOR #2: My parents were civil rights activists. We're very inclusive.

NEIGHBOR #1: We just came for a quiet weekend.

KURT: Yes! I understand! All day I have just been trying to find a quiet place to pray my rosary—

NEIGHBOR #2: Oh, God, it’s Catholic!

NEIGHBOR #1: Can’t you people understand we don’t want your kind here?!

NEIGHBOR #2: Get out of our yard!!! Get out!!!

Kurt trudges away, dejected and adorable. The mutants at the beach house watch him trudge back to them.

WANDA: What happened?

KURT: Oh. It's nothing.

ORORO: Who could be cruel enough to hurt Kurt Wagner, of all people? My sweet Kurt?

WANDA: Just because he's blue?

SCOTT: It's a cruel world…

Ororo causes a sudden downpour of rain to drive the neighbors indoors. Erik finds this hilarious.

SCOTT: Ororo!

ORORO: They deserve worse. I’m making the fluid in their inner ear churn so they’ll have vertigo.

WANDA: [one hand outstretched toward the neighbors’ house, parallel to Ororo’s] I’m making their pants ride up a little.

ERIK: I’m loosening their hub caps. [screaming] This is for the mutants!

ORORO: I hope their milk expires. I hope their socks are all mismatched and their wi-fi is slow.

WANDA: On it.

ORORO: [gradually building from coldness to rage] I hope they come home to find their water pipes have burst and their oncologist left voice mail. I hope their children disown them—

SCOTT: Whoa, whoa!

ERIK: I always liked you, Storm.

SCOTT: Ease up! Don’t people have enough excuses to hate us? You know what happened when we arrived last night? The landlord made me pay an extra two thousand dollars in deposit.

ORORO: Aha!

HANK: So that’s why your attitude suddenly changed!

SCOTT: Do you think I like being the bad guy all the time? Huh? You think I don’t notice the way the laughter dies as soon as I walk into the room? You think I don’t want to cut loose with the fellas?

PIETRO: The “fellas”?

SCOTT: You know why I’m like this?! I’m like this because the entire world already hates me and that’s before I lose control and concussive force explodes out of my eyeballs!

ERIK: What did Charles do to you, boy? There’s a big, empty sky right above you! Go ahead and lose control!

JUBILATION: Yeah, do it!

EVERYONE: Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!

Scott ponders for a moment. Finally, almost smiling, he tilts his head back, pushes down his visor, and blasts a beacon of ruby red light into the night sky. Everyone cheers.

Moments later, a distant roaring approaches, and Scott’s smile fades as an airplane careens overhead and crashes into the sea.

We take a moment to consider what's happened.

KURT: I got it!

Kurt bamfs away and reappears with a survivor. As more and more stunned, scared people appear on the patio, an ashamed Scott storms into the beach house.

Soundtrack: very dramatic Hans Zimmer style music

In one continuous shot, we watch him stalk around the property. Logan has trashed the living area with beer cans and liquor bottles, and he’s still working on it. Lovestruck Marie is watching Remy mess up the kitchen cooking Cajun food. () Scott moves to open a door only to for the knob to break off in his hand. Entering the dark room, he tries to switch on a tall and narrow dehumidifier, but it falls apart in three slices.

SCOTT: Logan…!

Gathering up the broken pieces, Scott doubles back the way he came. Jubilation is behind him, startling him.

JUBILATION: Sorry, Scott.

SCOTT: It’s fine. It’s fine. Your purpose in life is to have fun and my purpose is to wreck it.

JUBILATION: Look, I’m doing my best to keep it light around here!

SCOTT: Oh, you’re keeping it light! If you set off any more fireworks, we’re probably getting a noise complaint! Is that what you want? A noise complaint?!

JUBILATION: Well, maybe you should make your own happiness for once instead of sucking everyone around you dry!

SCOTT: I didn’t ask you to do me any favors.

JUBILATION: Fine, then I won’t!

They both storm back the way they came. Already, the kitchen is worse than it was a moment ago. Remy and Marie are about to kiss. Scott makes a loud, coughing, don’t you dare noise and they jump apart. Kurt bamfs into Scott’s path, between him and Jubilation.

KURT: No casualties from the plane crash. I called EMS—

Scott slips on the seawater that came in with Kurt, hitting the floor hard.

KURT: Ah… I am sorry, Mein Freund…

Scott keeps walking. Back in the living area, Logan and Storm are making out. Scott almost brings up the dehumidifier but thinks better of it. He tries to stuff the pieces and some beer cans into a garbage bag but he is rapidly overwhelmed by the outrageous amount of garbage that keeps tumbling into the shot. He decides to take a drink instead. Once again, Pietro snatches it from his hand and disappears. Scott loses his temper this time, sending a streak of red through the house and cutting it in half.

The music stops abruptly. Inside and outside, everyone stares.

LOGAN: Cool it, bub, this place is a rental.

Scott is dejected. As he turns to drag the open, half-filled garbage bag to the front door, Jubilation is there, opening it herself. On the other side, we find the way blocked by Jean “Dark Phoenix” Grey, her form rippling with flame.

Jubilation slams the door.

JUBILATION: Scott, your wife is back from the dead!

Soundtrack: “Lose Yourself / Kashmir” Mashup — Silvermain

The door is knocked down in a blast of fiery energy. Jubilation is pinned under the door.

DARK PHOENIX: Scott!

Reverse shot. Scott is disappointed but trying to appear excited. Logan, wading through a sea of empty beer cans, is excited but trying to appear neutral. In the background, Colossus walks through a low door and takes part of the lintel with him (). Scott doesn't have to look to know it's happened. He breathes deeply through his nose.

Dark Phoenix approaches.

DARK PHOENIX: Scott. You aren't happy to see me.

SCOTT: Well, Jean, its been a rough week.

DARK PHOENIX: If you like, I can transform into a black hole and jump across space—

SCOTT/LOGAN: No!

LOGAN: Don't go.

SCOTT: Not in the house!

As the Dark Phoenix closes in, she's clearly reading Scott's mind.

DARK PHOENIX: You're worried about… [quizzical] this beach house?

She touches the wall. The scuff mark Scott painted over returns before the whole wall begins crumbling.

DARK PHOENIX: Sweetie. In the cycle of life, decay, and rebirth… this place is clearly in decay. Let me help you.

The Phoenix glows brighter.

SCOTT: And when you’re done helping with the house?

DARK PHOENIX: I’ll help with the rest of the cosmos!

SCOTT: Yeah, I was afraid of that. Logan?

Logan rushes Colossus.

LOGAN: I’m ready to get hurt again.

Colossus clasps Logan’s wrists and hurls him at Dark Phoenix. Logan’s claws extend. In an instant, Phoenix has burned the flesh off his adamantium bones. She flicks her hand at Colossus, whose haunting scream fades as his metal form melts into a puddle.

Scott falls to his knees.

SCOTT: No!

Rogue bursts out of the kitchen, her glow revealing she’s taken Gambit’s powers. Furniture glows fuschia before lunging forward with kinetic energy. She throws everything in the room at Phoenix before being brutally defeated.

A heavy, hardback book — Atlas Shrugged — bounces off the back of Phoenix’s head before Beast hurls himself through the front door, bravely facing doom. We don’t get a good look at what the cosmic flame does to him but we get the impression it’s really bad.

Scott whips off his sunglasses. The optic blast takes out that entire side of the house, but, unsurprising to him, the ruby-red energy only mildly annoys Phoenix. She sends him a warning glance. The house is burning now.

SCOTT: Jean, focus. Listen to my emotions. The emotions of all the people around you. We want to live!

Still on the couch in the living area, Storm focuses. Through the window behind her, we see the ocean waves rearing up high. An exterior shot shows a small tsunami slamming into the beach house. The fire is extinguished, but the water does plenty of its own damage, soaking Scott in the process.

Lightning flashes indoors. Moments later, Storm and Phoenix are rising through a hole in the roof and fighting in the clouds of a hurricane. Phoenix extends her hands, and suddenly the raindrops blowing around them are hissing when they make contact with the cringing Storm’s skin. The humans below flee acid rain. Nightcrawler bamfs into the neighbors’ house, where they are watching from the window, and the three of them disappear moments later.

Phoenix descends back into the house, alone, as the hurricane subsides. All around Scott, she slowly tears the house down to its foundations. He watches in despair.

Jubilation comes to and heaves the broken door off herself. She sees the Wolverine’s skeleton and picks it up by the shoulders.

JUBILATION: Logan? Are you okay?!

The skull droops.

PHOENIX: [to Scott] This world will be remade. But before we can be reborn, we must die.

JUBILATION: [off-camera] Scott?

Cut to furious Jubilee, who is dropping the skeleton and lowering her sunglasses over her eyes. Her skin and flesh gradually go transparent. Her skeleton is aglow.

JUBILEE: [to Scott] Run. Hey, Phoenix! You aren't the only one who can work at an atomic level!

As the women face each other, their power building, Scott flees. He dives as the beach house behind him explodes. The blast claps and pops for some time. The plane crash survivors are destroyed, the ambulances are destroyed, the X-Men are destroyed. Cut to Erik and family, passively watching from a safe distance. Pietro sips from a beer.

Finally, we see Jubilee absorbing the energy back into herself before she collapses in the rubble. Fade to black.

The next morning:

Scott is standing in the driveway with a paint roller, a shop vacuum, and the thousand-yard stare of a man who has seen things (). A reverse shot reveals how laughably pointless the effort will be. Scott, in denial, wanders through the wreckage a bit and tries to salvage what he can.

Jubilee appears at his side and pats his shoulder.

JUBILATION: You’re gonna need more than one can of paint.

Scott says nothing.

JUBILATION: Uh… sorry for killing your wife.

SCOTT: [gradually coming around] Eh, she'll be back. [another pause] Thanks for everything this weekend.

JUBILATION: It’s the least I can do, buddy.

The landlord arrives. He has an appropriate freakout as he moves through the wreckage.

LANDLORD: You know, as I drove here, I was watching the sky for falling giant robots. I should have been watching the horizon for a smoking war zone! What did you do this weekend, make your own plutonium?! I took on half a million dollars in debt to invest in this property! Your little deposit won’t even cover the cost of bulldozing the lot, not to mention all the rent I won’t make this year! I’m a childless old man living off social security. Selling this place was going to be my retirement fund! DOES ANYONE WANT TO BUY A SMOLDERING PILE OF TOOTHPICKS?!

SCOTT: I’m so sorry. My wife is possessed by an immortal cosmic entity.

LANDLORD: Oh, well in that case! Things happen!!!

SCOTT: Yeah, you know, things do happen! And I might as well let them happen from now on, know why? That’s life!

JUBILATION: That’s life.

SCOTT: And more importantly, my dad is fricking loaded!

JUBILATION: Yeah!

SCOTT: We could destroy the entire boardwalk and rebuild it tomorrow! Who cares?! Who the frick cares? Frick it! Frick everything!

JUBILATION: Fuck you, landlord!

SCOTT: [quickly covering for her] Oh no, but not you. I do apologize about the house.

Before Scott can offer to rebuild the beach house, the rubble shifts. Cosmic flames rise once more as the Phoenix appears. She rebuilds the house better than ever. One by one, we establish that everyone has survived (or been resurrected since) the fight. Jubilation runs to give Logan a hug as he watches a bottle of whiskey materialize in his hand. All is well. Next door, Kurt is explaining to the neighbors that there are no hard feelings.

KURT: The Lord teaches us to pray, “Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors.” The mercy we show others is the mercy that will be shown to us.

NEIGHBOR #2: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever heard. This is not what America is about!

NEIGHBOR #1: Don’t you know they want to put you in a death camp?

Phoenix descends at Scott's side and stares at the landlord until he returns the deposit check. Jubilation slowly creeps out of the shot.

SCOTT: Welcome back, honey. Feeling better?

PHOENIX: Feeling much, much better.

They kiss long and deeply.

PHOENIX: Let's have a baby.

SCOTT: [profoundly unhappy] okay

Smash cut to credits.

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X-Men! They’re comedy gold! Thanks for joining me on this silly adventure.

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Suggested Soundtrack: “If I Survive” — Hybrid

Next month, we’ll find out what the heck the conduit is and what the heck is going on! Stay tuned and thanks for being here!

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Some villains are just bad guys. Thanos wants to murder half the universe in order to simp for Lady Death; Zsasz is an impenitent serial killer; Carnage loves carnage. There’s nothing wrong with writing an unsympathetic villain, provided he tests the hero’s mettle and drives him to make difficult choices or find clever solutions. Where a lot of current…

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Two parallel stories. In the past, JLU Batman destroys the Royal Flush Gang and, inadvertently, his own family. In the future, the Tomorrow Knight finds himself stranded on a cruise ship with the gang’s descendants.

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“Batman!”

Whirling, he gritted his teeth at the sight of King holding a dagger to the throat of a craps dealer.

“I’ll do it,” said King.

“I know. That’s why I’ve taken your crime spree extremely seriously… John Thompson, Sr.”

At the sound of his real name, King blanched. Then he lifted his elbow, prodding the hostage with the dagger just enough to make him cry out. “Release my sons.”

“And then what?” asked Batman, indicating to the dazed young men he held in either hand by the collar. “They’re big boys. And the place is in flames. Let me carry them outside for you, and we’ll negotiate there.”

“I can carry them myself,” said King, which wasn’t exactly true – Batman’s suit made him far more capable of dragging two muscular men at once. “Drop them.”

Batman knew what would happen if he dropped Ace and Jack. King would stab the craps dealer anyway. Then, while Batman tried to save the dealer’s life, King would make an escape. Possibly without even bothering to bring his sons.

“If you harm that man,” Batman said slowly, “I will hunt you. Whether you are in my city or at the edge of the earth, I will find you and bring you to justice. But let him go, and I’ll carry your sons to safety.”

“I think I’ve thought of a way to make you drop them.”

A fountain of crimson streaked through the air, and the craps dealer’s knees buckled. Batman’s hands were empty in an instant. He rushed to the hostage, clamping a hand over the wound in his neck. The pressure of his pulse fought the pressure of his palm. Already the man was unconscious from blood loss. With his free hand, Batman searched his utility belt for gauze.

A gun cocked. He paused, feeling its mouth pressed at the base of his skull. King had salvaged one of his pistols from the floor.

“I don’t think you’ll find me after all, Batman,” said King.

Too old. Too slow. Too late to do anything but listen to the click of the trigger –

Dry fire.

“Missing something?”

Emerging from the flames just ahead of Batman, Batgirl chucked the missing, loaded magazine directly at King’s forehead. As he staggered back, she took a running leap over Batman, her foot landing firmly on King’s chest.

Batman hurriedly ensured that the hostage’s bleeding had stopped. Between the stab wound and the growing flames, time was of the essence. He whirled to finish dispatching the gang. Just then, he saw King slash viciously with the dagger, tearing a red gash across Batgirl’s chest.

Cold Deck By Hannah Rose Williams

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This .pdf is also included for free with the rest of the story and these Essays on Batman Beyond.

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Suggested Soundtrack: Hybrid — “If I Survive”

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Read the next chapter here!

Modern writers almost seem to be apologizing for our hero. “Look, we know he’s literally named ‘Superman,’ but we promise he hates himself just like you do, you disgusting slob, so please don’t reject him out of hand just because you’re a pathetic proletariat!” When audiences don’t get particularly excited for this, Hollywood blames them — or they blame the most universally recognized fictional character on earth — instead of questioning whether their formula might be broken.

I am here to say that I love Superman just the way he is, because he’d be an enjoyable person to spend the afternoon with and because I could trust him to babysit my kids. I admire him as a person. As you’ll see below, from his very first big screen debut, Superman as he is has been approached as a character nobody could possibly unironically enjoy. There are exceptions, but this problem emerges again and again.

The Corporate Hollywood Spectacles

Superman: The Movie (1978) — lol this quaint, old-fashioned dork doesn’t fit into our Modern Times or Modern Phone Booths lmao

Superman II (1981) — oh my Zod

Superman III (1983) — Richard Pryor had a fever dream and when he woke up, he’d starred in a movie.

Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987) — look, man, nobody wants to be here

Superman Returns (2006) — Weren’t those quaint and old-fashioned Superman movies cute?

Man of Steel (2013) — Just kidding, we know what you all really want is EXPLOSIONS!

Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (2016) — We gave Titano the Super-Ape a typewriter and this is the script he wrote!

Superman (2025) — great casting, mid directing, and terrible writing.

My argument has always been that Superman is an adventure tale for children. While (understandably) prone to being just a tad pompous, he loves his ma, he loves his pa, he loves America (wouldn’t that be a pleasant experience), and he’s STRONK! This guy is meant to cheer you in the trenches of world war and evoke a sense of childlike wonder and that’s it. Don’t mess. For that reason, and you can hate me for this, the movie I prefer to watch with little kids is Superman IV. It’s short, it’s easy for them to follow, and it’s touchingly stupid. If I were to sit down and watch a Supes movie with my husband, I’d go with Superman Returns, the classy, “boring” one written as a love letter to Christopher Reeve’s films and taking them far more seriously than they themselves ever did.

The Better Movies

Straight-to-video animated films often turn out better because there aren’t a bunch of vulture producers gathered around to sink their blood-stained beaks into the project’s carcass. Plus, David S. Goyer isn’t invited. Though they’re sometimes rushed, these smaller-budget movies give creators room to breathe and tell a good story that, ironically, would probably be a blockbuster success if it were filmed in big budget live-action.

Most of these still fail my “Superman should be family-friendly” standard, as there is often something just slightly inappropriate, but almost all of these are worth at least one watch.

The Batman/Superman Movie: World’s Finest (1997) — this is what Batman v Superman should have been like; 10/5 stars

Superman: Brainiac Attacks (2006) — Silly.

Superman: Doomsday (2007) — the worst thing ever to happen to comic books, now happening to movies!

Superman/Batman: Public Enemies (2009) — extremely gay; 10/5 stars

Superman/Batman: Apocalypse (2010) — oh it’s Darkseid again

All-Star Superman (2011) — adapted from comics, so the structure is weird but the story is extremely watchable.

Superman vs. The Elite (2012) — Superman learns there’s air on the moon and Scots can’t be trusted.

Superman: Unbound (2013) — a well-told story that fails to be appropriate for the whole family at the very last moment (LOIS!!!).

The Death of Superman (2018) — the worst thing ever to happen to comic books, happening to movies, again! 4/5 stahz

Reign of the Supermen (2019) — Intriguing, fun, and to-the-point!

Superman: Red Son (2020) — an adaptation made in the year of our lord 2020 that somehow managed to say something negative about communism

Superman: Man of Tomorrow (2020) — pacing and voice direction are a disaster but Parasite is cool

Batman and Superman: Battle of the Super Sons (2022) — Robin and Superboy team up to save their dads and Damian somehow manages to be likable the entire time.

In a surprise to no one, my personal favorite would be the animated World’s Finest, though it’s actually three episodes of a TV show stitched together. I watched the 2018 Death of Superman and subsequent Reign of the Supermen just to write this article, and I found them excellent!

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At the end of the day, the Big Blue Boy Scout is a character that launched a million others. Giant industries would not exist had young Schuster and Seigel not sat down to tell stories together. Calling the prototype for all superheroes cliche (as Max Landis did, and yes, I’m still mad about it) is like calling Shakespeare cliche. Superman was a fairly original idea at the time and there’s no need to apologize for his success now that so many others have expanded on it.

I will concede that a “dark and gritty” Superman story has its place. Not, however, if the character’s depth and likability is overwhelmed by brainless action, which is often the case when a bunch of media moguls get their meat hooks into our boy. It’s okay to tell a nice story for children. It’s okay for Superman to be nice. He is nice!

Happy Superman Day, everyone.

Do you have a favorite Superman movie?

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Suggested soundtrack: “Ruins” — Portico Quartet

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Next chapter is here.

Narrative structure works for a reason: it hijacks our psychology and makes us increasingly engaged.

The piece of Batman Beyond fanfiction I’m most fond of is a retelling of the Greek myth Eros and Psyche. It began as a fake blog I wrote from the perspective of Melanie “Ten” Walker (back when I was a teen and OpenDiary.com was a thing). After Justice Lea…

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Soundtrack: “Over the Water” — Andy Hunter

Soundtrack: “A Drowning” — How to Destroy Angels

Mannnnn, I love my husband’s writing! I wish he still told stories!

The next chapter is here!

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If you were a nineties kid like me, then you read a new Animorphs book every month, and you had to get on a waiting list to finally read the epic (read: depressing) conclusion. None of my friends were into it. The Nickelodeon show, I felt, utterly failed to stay true to its rules, lore, and world building. I was hopelessly alone in my autistic devotion to this Gnostic propaganda disguised as naturalist propaganda, though it failed to make a Gnostic or a naturalist out of me. Now that Disney is adapting the series, and before everyone and their mom starts talking about it, I would like it on record that I loved it first and I still remember almost everything about it okay?!

This is one case where redpilled YouTubers will not be able to complain that Disney made Animorphs “woke.” Author K.A. Applegate was always a liberal white woman with an agenda. Souls move from one body to another or become trapped; the dead spirit of Aldrea possesses Cassie; Tobias takes the form of his sexy cousin, Aria; Marco praises the “communist” lifestyle of bees; it’s implied Yeerk-possessed humans have sex with each other (but it’s okay because both the Yeerks and their human hosts are in love? I guess?); Cassie is SUPER SPECIAL, JUST BECAUSE; the Ellemist is such a hateful and obnoxious strawman of God that he makes Star Trek’s Q look like enjoyable company; and there are constant motifs of interspecies romance and environmentalist harping on animal rights. I absolutely expect to see these tropes persist in Ryan Cooglar’s adaptation. They will simply be more noticeable to your adult eyes, especially now that they’ve permeated mainstream media ad nauseum.

Animorphs ain’t based, but it is full of gratifying battles, memorable humor, and relatable tragedy. The “serial” approach nevertheless shows characters being changed by trauma over time. It’s a good adventure. Cooglar, if you’re reading this, I have no-to-low expectations. Just please set your series in the nineties and please play “We’re in This Together Now” by Nine Inch Nails at some point. Who am I kidding, that’s not gonna happen. You don’t love me.

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The Animorphs Series

#1: The Invasion — A group of teens learns their planet is being quietly invaded and illegally obtains the alien technology to fight it: morph capability. Obviously, the first installment sets the stage. However, each book treats the reader as if it’s his first time and you won’t be lost jumping in wherever. I actually started with #14 because there was a horse on it, and I was a horse girl.

#4: The Message — The whole gang finally unites. Applegate finally figures out how to write a serious story that won’t make you want to slit your middle schooler wrists. If Coogler is smart, he’ll combine #1 and #4 for his pilot.

#5: The Predator — Marco learns that his “dead” mother is actually possessed by the leader of the alien invaders.

#6: The Capture — Mostly a “bottle episode,” Jake is captured by one of the body-snatching aliens and vies for control of his own body and mind.

#8: The Alien — This story, also, could be combined with #1 and #4 to make a great pilot. We get more from the perspective of the alien team member, “Ax,” including his last tragic interaction with his brother. His misconceptions about human culture were extremely entertaining to me as a child.

#13: The Change — Tobias, who has been trapped in hawk form since the first book, enjoys a bit of deus ex machina so that Applegate can include him in more missions and give him opportunities to make out with Rachel.

#14: The Underground — While all the books are fairly funny, I remember this one being particularly enjoyable.

#18: The Decision — explains Z-space (and implies the characters absolutely have immaterial souls but we’re not gonna talk about that)

#19: The Departure — another body-snatcher “bottle episode,” this one involving Cassie debating the ethics of the invasion with one of the invaders. I would call this story one of the best in the series, with high stakes and a rewarding conclusion.

#20, 21, & 22 — The Animorphs are forced to induct a new kid named David, who turns out to be a loathsome, sociopathic traitor. A quarter of a century later, I still hate this kid.

#26: The Attack — Jake and Cassie k i s s omg

#29: The Sickness — Ax gets the Andalite equivalent of appendicitis, which his human friends aren’t sure how to treat. We learn that some of the Yeerks may be allies.

#30: The Reunion — Marco is going through it.

#31: The Conspiracy — Jake gets an opportunity to rescue his brother Tom from the clutches of the enemy.

#37: The Weakness — good villain in this one

#38: The Arrival — oh my freaking GOSH it’s happening, everybody stay calm, I am freaking out, the Andalites are finally coming back to save the world! Jk, they think Earth is a lost cause and they’re going to hand it over to the Yeerks. Ax must choose between his people and his friends.

#43: The Test — Tobias deals with PTSD, a possible double-cross, and moral conundrums. Cassie objects to the team’s utilitarian methods.

#45: The Revelation — Marco’s Yeerk-controlled mother is back on Earth and slated for execution. His father may be taken next.

#46: The Deception — Both heroes and villains debate whether it would be expedient to start a world war in order to win the secret war. Everyone is becoming a worse person.

#47: The Resistance — When I do find people willing to discuss this series with me, this is the book they remember. Half the story takes place during the Civil War, told from the perspective of Jake’s great-great?-grandfather. The other half of the story is Jake wrestling with love for his captured brother and the price of saving Earth.

#49: The Diversion — The enemy figures out that most of the Animorphs are human, not Andalite, forcing the Animorphs to reveal the truth to their families and evacuate them, if it isn’t too late.

#50: The Ultimate — As the war escalates, the Animorphs consider recruiting.

#51: The Absolute — The Yeerks prepare for all-out war with Earth’s free people.

#53: The Answer — Jake makes negotiations with his Yeerk-controlled brother, using his cousin as a pawn.

#54: The Beginning — yeah sure “the beginning” of nothing. The war concludes, the survivors struggle to return to normal life, and they wind up on a suicide mission because Applegate just really wants you to remember that war is hell. Thanks for reading, kids. Hope you like DESPAIR.

The Hork-Bajir Chronicles

If you only read one story in this universe, I’d recommend this standalone, bittersweet romance between an Andalite and a Hork-Bajir. While I gave most of my collection to my sister, The Hork-Bajir Chronicles is the one I held onto and keep on the shelf for my kids.

Megamorphs #3: Elfangor’s Secret

While Megamorphs stories are probably ghostwritten and inconsequential to the series, this one — in which the Animorphs must travel through time to stop an ambitious dictator from rewriting history — is memorable and fun.

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What did I forget?

Most of the stories I omitted from the list always reset to the status quo at the end. Some were even erased from the heroes’ memories. But is there one you’re particularly fond of? Let me know in the comments!

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News

The first thing that happened was, the app started sending me notifications for news articles. I turned that off immediately. But I did enjoy some of the more apolitical editorials.

The Pendragon Cycle: The Rise of Merlin

I believe the first season is complete now, and it’s aight — definitely more fun if you watch with a friend. Pilot episode is the roughest, as people who have never made a TV series before attempt to ape HBO’s big budget presentations. I appreciate that they didn’t waste my time beating around the bush like Lawhead’s novels do, but at the end of the day, I might just not be a big Lawhead fan. If you are autistic about swords and “historical accuracy” (this fantasy story attempts to feel rooted in reality, so there are Romans fighting Picts and whatnot) the props will trigger you. But it is a great alternative to Game of Thrones if you don’t want to watch prolonged incestuous sex scenes. The Pendragon Cycle is a VERY long series, so if DW+ continues producing it, I trust they will have lots of time to get better at what they’re doing here. They’re off to a decent start.

Strong points: acting, music, pacing.

Weak points: prop budget, hiring your buddies

Endless Podcasts

This is the bulk of the content I have to wade through to find something interesting. Not only can I get most of these basic MAGA fanboy takes for free, I just don’t care about them all that much. It’s not even animosity. It’s boredom. It’s not for me. Pints with Aquinas is probably the best content available here (because it’s about things that matter and outlast political administrations), but that’s also on YouTube. Also, I could have sworn Jonathan Pageau had a show on this app, but now I can’t find it.

Run Hide Fight

I was watching this on my own just before my husband left to run an errand, and he asked me to pause it for him. With a talented cast, this “school shooting” movie immediately grabs your attention and keeps it. However, the thirty-second speedrun through the problem of evil feels shoe-horned in, as does the dead mom’s Buddhist monologue. Things don’t quite come together at the end. Still worth a watch.

I Can Only Imagine

Musical biopic. I got bored halfway through, but my mom liked it. For some reason, DailyWire+ does not have this listed in their “family movie night” section. (That section is reserved only for Lady Ballers, What is a Woman? and Am I Racist? which … first of all, someone tell Matt Walsh he’s not that funny. Second, what kind of family movie night do YOU guys have?)

Surprised by Oxford

This looks like a chick flick. I did not investigate.

The Passion of the Christ

Amazing, artistic film! I already own it.

Jordan B. Peterson

Jungian psychology is interesting. Not everything needs to be shoved through that filter. While I tip my hat to Peterson’s unwillingness to let Canada dictate his speech (even if it’s speech that he agrees with; he’s stated that he would use someone’s preferred pronouns if they asked him to), he is decidedly not based about religion. If a theist asks him outright, “Do you believe in God,” he starts sputtering “well what does in mean???” But if you sit him down with Alex O’Connor, you’re clearly watching two atheists converse. He’s therefore the last person I want to listen to on the subject of the Bible. Peterson’s takes on the Bible might be a good stepping stone for a leftist if leftists hadn’t all decided they want him to spontaneously combust, but since he’s the devil now, that’s a waste of time. DailyWire+ also has series by him on parenting and marriage (his Mastering Life Collection), and these are probably much more valuable. Peterson has good insights on healthy, day-to-day life.

Nefarious

This demon possession movie is not scary (in my opinion; I only think three horror movies are scary) but it is very sad. I’ve watched it more than once and I’d recommend it readily enough. Unfortunately for DW+, it’s not exclusive to DW+.

Shut In

My husband calls this movie “Mom Porn,” and that’s probably fair. I admit that I was immediately pulled in by the premise of a mom locked in the pantry while her infant and toddler go neglected at the mercy of a meth head and a convicted pedophile. Ooh, just writing that sentence makes me want to do a violence. The protagonist is a recovering addict herself, and her estranged husband is tempting her with meth because he misses “the old her.” I don’t think this film quite stuck the landing, however. The verse about sheep in wolves’ clothing doesn’t fit our theme. Considering that the mom is cornered with a crucifix and has a nail wound in her hand, Hebrews 4:15 would have tied the story together better. Three stars.

Terror on the Prairie

This is probably the best content DailyWire+ has made, by far. It’s a good cowboy movie and a good marriage movie. My biggest complaint is Gina Carano. While it’s stupid to cancel someone for insisting that the Holocaust “only” killed six million Jews, it’s also not a good idea to cast them for that reason. She lacked the range to depict her character with the depth it deserved. Still worth a watch. I’d watch it again. Four stars.

Mr. Burchum

You know how everyone on American Dad is unlikable and not so much comedic as as they are just irreverent? This is the right-wing version of that. I will admit “I’m bilingual and non-binary” is a pretty funny line, though.

Kids’ Shows

There is some family content on here, but not a lot, and I think most moms would probably not want to give their kids free access to the rest of the site/app. My highest praise is for the series Chip Chilla. I’d compare it to Bluey: well-produced, sweet, and not effing annoying. Some of the PragerU content (like Around the World) is educational and tolerable. That Leo & Layla show is absolute amateur hour, though. I think if you posted it on Newgrounds 20 years ago, it still wouldn’t get good traction.

Is it worth it?

For a month or two, yeah. There really is something for everybody if you look hard enough. Sadly, boys, the Mormons are currently outdoing you: there’s a lot more to enjoy on Angel (especially Tuttle Twins). If DailyWire+ continues producing apolitical independent media that is not just Hollywood Propaganda But Opposite, I’ll probably come back. But I currently get HBO for $3/month, and there, I can stream most of my favorite childhood cartoons day and night for all eternity. Until Netflix or Paramount get DC, that’s the only streaming service I need.

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Although this comic takes place in my urban fantasy universe, Shatterrealm, it was written by my husband, Jared R. Williams, and exposes an existential crisis he privately struggled with through fertility issues and loss of faith. He never quite finished it, but what he did write was (in my opinion) brilliant. I only added one scene to help tie all the themes together. FYI, it would make Jared very happy if you imagined the robot with the voice of Avery Brooks.

This webcomic has already appeared on this Substack, but it’s come to my attention that it’s easier to read comics on a phone when you only get a few panels at a time. For those of you who haven’t read it yet, enjoy.

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Suggested Soundtrack: Nine Inch Nails — “Zero Sum”

Soundtrack: Alert — “All I See is Red”

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Thanks for reading! Chapter Two is here!

In the distant future, Bruce Wayne has seen to it that every gun control law he wanted was passed. But when an innocent civilian decides to defend herself, and a sting on a trafficking ring exposes widespread corruption, the Batman of the Future expresses his doubts — causing the original Batman to suspect they may not remain allies long.

Free download is beneath the following preview.

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The billboard towering over the parking lot flashed. One by one, heroic stock portraits of cops slid into view. Gun crime? the silent text read. We’re coming for you.

Tuesday Valenti pulled the last box from her little car. She would have to sell the vehicle tomorrow – it was too recognizable – but the hour was too late to start that process now. Once that was done, and she and what remained of her life disappeared into this building, she could finally breathe easy.

One last hike up the stairwell for the evening. The gang of black men lounging there barely moved an inch as she wove through them for the dozenth time. Then Tuesday and her oversized, faux-fur coat rammed against the door to her floor. For the last time, her black combat boots trudged down the hallway.

Moving in had been a lot of physical effort. It was more effort knowing someone might be watching. She tried to remain situationally aware without accidentally mean-mugging her new neighbors (a few had already raised their eyebrows at her dreadlocks, trying to discern her race before they passed judgment). She was hot with exhaustion and ready for a shower.

That was why the sudden cold chill was so strange.

Tuesday froze. She looked back. There, in the stairwell door, was her ex-husband, Frank Valenti, Jr. They only made eye contact for a second. Then she was charging for her apartment and he was charging after her. She tossed the last box over her shoulder. Tumbling open against the wall and floor, it did nothing to slow Frank’s approach. Now Tuesday jammed her key into the knob and twisted. She flung herself into the apartment, slamming the door, but didn’t think to reach for the deadbolt first. She set the chain. It suddenly snapped taut as Frank tried to shove his way in, the door slamming hard on her forehead. Her glasses cracked.

The familiar screaming and expletives began as Frank’s giant hand fumbled with the chain. Then he withdrew it. Slam! He threw his body against the door. Crawling dizzily now, Tuesday made it to her purse and fumbled inside it for the smooth, polished wood grip of her snub-nosed revolver. Slam! Frank threw his weight on the door again. She lifted the heavy gun in her tiny right hand, using her left hand to dial the police.

Slam! This time, the slide holding the chain to the door broke loose. Tuesday saw every detail as time seemed to slow: the brass-colored screws tumbling through the air, the chain suddenly wavy and dreamlike, and the door swinging open for the enraged shadow blocking the hall light. She didn’t remember dropping her phone. Suddenly her hands were clasped together. Her thumbs clumsily pulled back the hammer.

Did Frank see the gun and hesitate? Should she have given him more time? It was some moments before she realized she was sniffling and sobbing, cocking the gun over and over until every round had either whizzed haphazardly past him or disappeared into his flesh. Then Frank was dead.

She stood with the empty revolver still aimed at him. It was as if she had died, too. She snatched up her phone and cried into it hysterically.

Eighteen minutes later, police finally arrived, examining the bullet holes in the walls and floor and making sure no one in the surrounding apartments had been harmed. The neighbors had kept their distance, not wanting to get entangled in the case, but they lingered in corridors and thresholds, talking and taking vids.

Tuesday had managed to calm down a little. Weak, practically limp, she didn’t think twice about going down to the station to explain everything. Anyone who knew her could have told them that Frank was incredibly dangerous and Tuesday had done all she could to escape without incident. With a thumbprint scanner, she signed the Miranda documents. She told her whole story under the interview room’s security camera.